After nursing my Pumpkin beer hangover with an array of toasted breads and Gilmore Girls episodes, I found myself reminiscing on all my former Hallow-eve nights. All the clichés were there: costumes, over-indulging in candy, trick-or-treating with my parents, and the off-hand comments on my breasts. Yes, all the bases were covered. And yet, during my […]Read more "Halloween: A Retrospect"
It was a Friday night and I needed to use the bathroom. We were at a minor league softball game, and the toilets were inside a trailer. That already spelled trouble. If someone is storing something inside a trailer, that person is basically saying “I give zero fucks about this.” As soon as I stepped […]Read more "The Ladies Room is Anything But(t)"
No one ever taught me how to take shorthand. No one ever taught me how to use an abacus either, but I can still add. So just because I don’t know what shorthand looks like, doesn’t mean I can’t do one hell of a job faking it. And that’s exactly what I’m doing as my […]Read more "Workplace Survival Guide Lesson 5: Tube Tops are for the Beach"
This isn’t my drink. I know this because I didn’t order it. The Barista, however, disagrees. She’s holding my cup at the end of the counter, waiting for me to come claim it. As I make my way down the bar, I completely intend on telling her she made a mistake. I don’t care what she […]Read more "This Intimidated Youth Sponsored By: Mattel"
How would you describe yourself? A. Hispanic or Latino B. Not Hispanic or Latino C. Unknown I know what you’re thinking. Not too much wiggle room in the Unknown category. But think of this: Unknown sounds so…mysterious, doesn’t it? Unknown. Like a phantom of the night. I can see it now, the HR rep set up […]Read more "Land of the Free, Home of the Jobless"
Standing in front of my bedroom mirror, I wondered how I had gotten to this point. I should mention that while I was standing there the pants that had fit so snuggly a few months ago were now slowly cutting off circulation to my thighs. So there I stood, my calves undoubtedly turning blue, wondering […]Read more "If I Walk Through the Drive-Thru, Does That Count as Exercise?"
First, don’t panic. You’re not alone. Americans all across the nation have reported waking up to find someone sleeping in their bed, eating their food, and using their personal belongings. If you or someone you know is experiencing these symptoms, you may be suffering from what professionals have termed an Intimate Relationship. Other side effects include: […]Read more "Hiding Behind the Curtain and Other Stories of Intimacy"